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My Wife Has Been Super-Mean To Me
06 Jun 14 - By Al Ribisi

My Wife Has Been Super-Mean To Me

Enjoy Al's quirky take on life in the big city as he tries ever-so-hard to avoid a third divorce and worries his way through every work day.



My Wife Has Been Super-Mean To Me


I’ve been married 3 times, and for some shocking reason, after 25 years of blissful bickering, my third wife continues to put up with me.

It’s either a miracle or she’s been lying to me about her IQ. As in, she's pulling a Forrest Gump on me, and somehow I missed it.

Or maybe it's her hearing, as she seems to ignore all the complaining I’ve been heaping on our unhappy home.

As to the miracle of her tolerance? Not sure that I can reconcile that with our day-to-day repartee:

"Did you run the dishwasher?" I say, clattering through my next email at 87 WPM.

"Yes," she says, Facebooking on her phone.

"Why didn’t you tell me? I just rinsed some dirty dishes and put them in with the clean?"

"What?" (Still Facebooking on her phone.)

"Never mind."

"What?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

That’s about as romantic as it's been at the Casa Ribisi for the last couple of months.

I’m old, so sex is not the every-7-second kind of appetite that younger guys get. In other words, I can see a super-busty girl and wonder if she can tell me where I dropped my glasses…and mean it.

The fact is, I prided myself on being able to punish my wife with “no sex."

Good luck with that.

And let's face it, girls can whip guys every time in that competition.

It's just that she seemed to be talking so fast and saying so little, while finding every cool thing that came into my head to be utterly snooze-worthy. How shallow of her.

Plus, she’s a rebel-type and won’t do things conventionally.

  •     Insists that downloading TV shows from sketchy sites is just fine, since "We could get it a year later on Netflix for free anyway!"

  •     Doesn’t give a hoot about dodging her closest friend’s “just-broke-up-with-my-boyfriend” phone calls

  •     Brags about her refusal to cook. (Hence, I’m all about Fresh & Easy prepared meals and missing my mom's lasagna.)

To top it all off, she has no compunction about sending in a bill payment the day before the due date.  That, that, thattttt drives me insane, as I’ve spent my life buried in Quicken finding the 2 cents I’m off in the bank statement.

We’re both busy – me with the job and her with a late-blooming career change. (She’s in college studying cinematography.) So, by the time we pry ourselves away from our computer screens and smartphones, it leaves little time for anything but sleep. And I don’t get enough of that.

It had gotten to the point where I didn’t want get home till around 8:30 and bedtime was 9. And bedtime was horizontal. Kindle-time until the device fell onto my chest and thumped me back awake for the first of many times I'd be up that night.

Not so good for a marriage.

My three younger brothers thought I was a little off when I got divorced, and then remarried, then divorced again...and remarried again.

So, at one point the thought of offending them was the thin string that seemed to keep me hanging on...the fact that my brothers would Mafia-style wipe me out if I even considered my wife to-be anything less than wonderful.

Plus this whole time, I've had this nagging thought that maybe, just maybe, it was me that was the problem.  Even though I know that's gotta be utterly impossible.

But still, you know you're headed in the wrong direction when your sole mission in life becomes "changing your spouse's awful behavior."

Anyway, my daughter rented a house for a week during Coachella and invited us to join her in the desert.

After a day or two of very few screens and a lot of fun, I noticed that my wife's behavior had improved markedly?! Either that, or my pure-crap attitude had taken a turn for the better, which again I didn't think was the issue.

We both came back from the desert with a wistful  glow in our eyes. It was strange.

So, a couple of weeks later, it was back out to the desert. And I'm suddenly pawing at my wife a little. And, well, it's sorta fun.

Does that mean I have to take my wife 125 miles east to change her behavior ?

 

I just can't figure out what changed with my wife? She's just being so much nicer.


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Copyright © 2014 Al Ribisi. All Rights Reserved.

Al Ribisi, owner of L.A. Publishing, can handle your crazy/rush printing jobs from Marketing-to-Mailing without complaining or charging exorbitant prices. Find him in the Business Directory or at
www.LAPubs.com or www.alribisi.com